Trapped Flowers
by Randomisation
Summary: Lily transfers from Beauxbatons in her 5th year making instant enemies with her cold nature. Interested only in Quidditch she is content to keep living in a one person world. But angering the Marauders is never a good idea especially if you have secrets
1. Chapter One

The first chapter of a story i have been meaning to write for a while... please enjoy!

Disclaimer - I own only what i have made up and written. All characters, scenes and settings from JKRowling's book are obviously hers.

**Chapter One**

The whole hall was staring at her. She wasn't surprised – she was the last to be sorted after all. What was surprising was how long it had taken them. Granted, she was only five feet tall and even a few of the first years towered over her – but still. She took care not to frown but hardly needed to. Barely any emotion was ever shown and mostly it looked theatrical. Even when she really felt something it wasn't naturally expressed.

She had spent the train journey curled up by a window reading absently. She had learned that Slytherin was the most despised by other houses and had met some of its occupants. By this knowledge and since she had been in Sistransard at Beauxbatons it was the house she expected to be sorted into.

The ride across the lake had also been taken in silence and no gasp of wonder had passed hr lips at the sight of her new home. There were more impressive things. As the first years had chattered nervously around her she had stood apart, stiffly. She had nothing to fear. When you had adopted an attitude such as her personality, people rarely poked into your business.

And so now she stood in front of the entire Hogwarts population as her presence was explained. The grey-haired man at the centre of the teacher's table stood up. Albus Dumbldore. There was nothing so special about him. They had spoken when she had transferred. She didn't need anyone's sympathy let alone help.

"It is my pleasure to announce that we have a new fifth year student who has transferred from Beauxbatons. I am sure she will be welcomed." Nobody welcomed Lily Evans. "Miss Evans please take a seat."

She walked to the stool and sat stiffly, lifting the old hat onto her head. She had heard it sing earlier. How ridiculous.

-I heard that- Lily didn't deign to reply. She had no use for a talking hat's feelings. -Oh but I'm afraid you do. I determine where you are in this school for the next three years- Good thing it won't be seven then, she though humourlessly. The hat ignored her.

-Now what have we here?- Instantly, stronger barriers encased her mind. She could almost hear the hat's sigh. -Well that won't get us anywhere- It wasn't about to go anywhere anyway, she thought rudely. It was just an embodiment of the school's crap founders. Had it had eyes the hat might likely have been glaring. -Keep on like that and I'll decide you'd do best in Slytherin- Good. It's what I expected. Thank-you. Lily made to take off the hat mentally wincing as it sent pain shooting through her mind. -Stop! I haven't decided yet! Though I suppose you have the temperament for it. But ambition? Hmm. And Muggleborn I see. Wouldn't fit in there too well…- Lily wasn't particulary worried about fitting in. -So I see-. She felt a moments pain and then silence.

The rest of the hall was staring at the figure perched on the stool curiously. Most couldn't remember a sorting this long. A few boys on the Gryffindor table seemed torn between speculating silently with the rest or rubbing their stomachs pointedly. They settled on both at once, raising a few smothered laughs.

The hat returned. It had a strange aura to it. Lily glared at it mentally. -I do not pity you- She might have rolled her eyes. She didn't care what it thought of her. -That may be. You have everyone fooled Lily, even yourself.- Ignoring her it turned it's attention back to the hall. GRYFFINDOR!

Barely managing to ignore her contempt and disbelief she walked down the aisle and sat down in an empty seat. More incredulity followed as Dumbledore wrote the words of the school song in the air and everyone began to sing. She ignored her ears protests and cast her gaze around the hall, lips pressed firmly together.

Across the far end of the hall was the Hufflepuff table – they were all singing their hearts out.. The Ravenclaws seemed to have nothing against singing and she noted the books which were dotted around.

Slytherins – they looked similar to her own house and bored to death. She would have preferred to have been sorted there. It would have been the same looks, same disgust, same blood related insults – but all that was preferable to the _compassion_, the _friendliness_, the _forgiveness_, that was likely to be found in Gryffindor.

When people accepted who and what they were and what the world ws like, everyone would be truer to themselves. But no. They preferred to continue their dumb little lives filled with false happiness and false love. Then, they died. Life was such a pointless waste.

Finally, she surveyed her own house. Many were talking amoung themselves, a girl was comforting her friend who was crying. Four boys had sung the song with a sonorous charm at top speed and were now whispering conspiratively. Studying their lips she grasped; "did you…..the trigger….hilarious…".

So these were the trouble-makers of Hogwarts. As long as they stayed out of her way she would have no objections. Lily didn't care what anyone else did.

The girl next to her gave her a shiny smile. "Hi, I'm Elise! You're Lily Evans right?" She wondered why Elise bothered to ask – wasn't it obvious? She made her lips curve upwards a little. "Yes."

Analysing Elise's abundance of make-up and the way her gaze kept sliding to the boys at the table Lily decide she didn't want to talk to this girl. Hating everyone on sight was a habit; very quickly confirming this followed soon after. "Is it true all the boys in France are fit?"

"No." she replied shortly. Elise inspected her nails. "You don't talk much do you?" Lily wondered whether the conversation could get any more stupid. "No."

"No need to be rude about it," Elise huffed, turning away to talk to someone else. Lily didn't miss her company. She put a little salad on her plate. The food had appeared by itself. How wonderfully pointless.

The girl who had been comforting her friend earlier turned to smile at her. "Don't worry about Elise; she takes things too seriously sometimes. Really kind-hearted but likes to have a shallow attitude on things. You understand it once you get to know her." Lily didn't want to get to know her. She made her lips curve upwards. "I don't care." It could be taken as either rude or forgiving. The girl smiled wider.

"I'm Alice, this is Faye." The sobbing girl didn't look up. "Have you---" She was cut of by a loud bang. Bright colours rained down and illusionary beasts appeared. Those around the Slytherin table started attacking it's students. Lily wasn't impressed. She could have done the charms work herself.

A small fairy landed on Faye's hand and she smiled a little. Alice leaned over, "Her name means fairy. It's just like the Marauders to try and cheer her up," she whispered. Lily wondered if she was supposed to care. She vaguely reflected on what Faye was upset about but quickly forgot it. It didn't matter to _her._

She picked at her salad half-heartedly. She didn't like English food. Glaring at the now congealed mess of crushed leaves and salad dressing she grumbled silently. They even made a decent mix of lettuce unappetising. But perhaps it was the surroundings. After all, she had eaten almost nothing at her father's house over the summer either.

As people finally finished she followed the crowd, trailing after them up to the Gryffindor tower. She would have preferred to look around the school alone, get her bearings and have some time to herself, but there was some kind of curfew. Getting lost in the middle of the night without having any idea of the place wasn't top on her list of priorities.

The four boys from the Great Hall – the Marauders or whatever the stupid name they had come with was – had joined her, Alice and Faye. She ignored their attempts at conversation walking silently.

"Are you ok?" the blond one asked Faye, concern showing in his eyes. How sick, Lily thought, absently. Faye nodded, tears kept at bay. "It was weird living at Mum's house," she whispered. "Maybe like it is for Lily – like moving schools only moving homes." Lily didn't see the connection. She wondered where her dorm was but didn't bother to ask. She'd find out soon enough.

"Do you like Quidditch, Lily?" She looked up at a tall boy with messy black hair. "Not really," she lied. They wouldn't find any common interests with her – Lily always made sure there were none. Alice grinned. "James is obsessed. He'll be Quidditch captain next year probably. It's too bad you don't play. We really need a Chaser." Lily shrugged and turned her gaze to the staircase, wondering if the dorm was there and she could escape to solitude.

Mistaking her look for worry about Faye who was standing in her view Alice explained, "Faye will feel better soon hopefully. Won't you?" Faye shrugged silently with a weak smile at her friend. "I don't know what to Alice," she mumbled. "What if it's my Mum that's next? Or… I'm sorry. I'll be more sociable with you, I mean, you're new so it must be awful." Lily didn't care. "It's just, my Dad…" she trailed off tears forming. "You-know-who killed him just before summer holidays," Alice whispered in her ear. Lily resisted the urge snort. You-know-who? How sad did these people get? The French 'unnameable' was better than 'you-know-who'.

"So?" she replied, coldly. She was prepared for the looks that followed. "You don't even care?" James asked, having regained the power of speech. Lily looked instead at Faye, the ice in her emerald eyes chilling them.

"Your Dad's gone. So what? It's not like you can change it and anyway you're at boarding school most of the year. Honestly. Get over it."

Not affected by Faye's expression she turned and walked up the stairs, no longer caring whether they were the right ones. She felt a vague satisfaction with their angry looks. She was on familiar territory now. Ignoring the others in the dorm she shut the curtains, blocking any sound or thing from entering or leaving with a few charms and began to unpack alone.

Lily Evans didn't make friends.

Xxx

Going down to the Great Hall the next morning for breakfast, Lily was greeted with angry glares and hostile looks from most Gryffindors and even other houses. It seemed news travelled fast in Hogwarts. She didn't need to look at the Marauders to realise that they had fanned the flames. She would have to thank them someday if she could ever be bothered. They had saved her quite a bit of work.

Taking a seat at the far end of the table she examined the vast choice of Breakfast spread out in front of her. Finally settling on a roll and jam – at least the English got something right – she discontentedly mused over the absence of anything other than Pumpkin juice. Honestly the stuff was disgusting. Finding no trace of orange juice or any other non-sick-making drink she gave up and went without. She knew from experience what a bad idea it would be to transfigure the orange sludge to water. Her transfiguration skill left something to be lacking.

A flurry of wings and screeching announced the arrival of the post. Lily didn't bother to look up. There was no-one who would bother writing to her. Her white owl, Nuage, landed on her plate gracelessly and she hid a smile, taking the piece of paper still clutched in his claws.

Absently feeding Nuage bits of roll she studied it. How amusing that no-one wanted to hand her her time-table. History of Magic first then Transfiguration. Just perfect. A wonderful way to begin an awful school life. Coffee. That was what she needed. Strong, black, frothy, _French_ coffee. She had known using caffeine as a reliant would come back to haunt her one day.

She was late to History of Magic. Thoroughly frustrated with a castle's many passageways and moving stairs she stopped for a moment outside to gather her breath. Walking in she resisted a snort of derision. Couldn't they get any better teachers than a ghost? Binns stopped his monotonous chant to direct her to her to the only seat left and she stalked over to it.

At a diminutive height she had learned to create a presence around herself which saved her from looking like a sullen child and made her more inapproachable. It cloaked her now as she pointedly ignored everyone sullenly.

Sitting down she realised her mistake as her skin began to glow a violent green. Holding back an exasperated sigh she stoically let the prank take its course. This proved to be a second mistake. It seemed these boys were more serious than any of those at Beauxbatons. When the Professor asked her what she was doing she stood up and said;

"I am simply declaring my loyalty to my Lord, You-know-who, and my wish to become an established death-eater." No surprise or anger showed on her face but inside she was fuming. How dare they! She might have a general hatred for the world in general – and that included Lord Voldemort thank-you very much – but she was not someone's supporter.

If some idiot decided to go on random muggle killings it was no concern of hers. Lily didn't get involved and she also had a mind of her own and didn't need to follow the aforementioned crazy fool.

She took care to speak only after getting rid of the spells placed on her. She resisted the urge to rub in how easy it was – people always expected things to be so complicated when a simple _reparo_ restored it back to normal. Standing she surveyed the class mockingly.

"I'm surprised you can't tell just by looking; I'm Muggleborn. So of course, that would give me every reason to support Voldemort." She ignored the intakes of breath that followed her utterance of his name and allowed a small contemptuous smirk onto her face before sitting down.

By the end of the class she'd had her notes scorched, her quill spelled against writing anything polite, her hair changed to a strange mass of multi-coloured stripes and she currently had a sign over he head claiming 'I am a bitch and love to hurt people.' Quite pathetic really.

Walking down the corridor, easily realising that she would once again be late, she managed to rid herself of the sign with a complicated banishing spell. So these boys were quite talented. She'd have to take them a little seriously.

She inspected her hair. Lily had never been particularly fond of her appearance – her hair was too bright, she was to skinny, her eyes were too big, she wasn't tall enough. But she had learnt to ignore it from childhood and so now only ran a brush quickly through her hair and didn't bother making herself eat more.

Having trying the normal spells she wondered why she bothered. Looking at her reflection in one of the windows it almost seemed an improvement. She supposed it was the principle of the thing.

Climbing one staircase she could see that tall black haired boy, James, smirking at her from the top. She pretended to ignore him, watching him warily from the corner of her eye. "Staircase changes in 30seconds," he said mockingly. She didn't hurry. That was time enough to reach the top.

She hadn't reckoned on the boys though. Almost at the top, her bag split, books tumbling onto the step, ink bottle smashing, the ink beginning its trickle down to the bottom. Glancing up, she saw that his friends had joined him, each twirling wand and laughing as the staircase carried her away.

She cursed silently, mentally yelling at herself. It was such an obvious thing to do! She should have realised; it wasn't as though she were new to this game. Fixing her bag, she spent an extra few minutes charming it against such things. Those minutes would make almost no difference to her lateness now.

Starting up the stair, stifling a sigh, Lily thought longingly of that coffee. Coffee and avocado. How greatly they would improve things. Annoyed by her thoughts - it was for others to wish for the unattainable - she picked up her pace.

The transfigurations classroom was larger than the one for History of Magic. Her timetable said that the lesson was taken jointly with the Slytherins. She began to walk to her seat.

"What? No excuses for your lateness, Miss Evans?" She looked up into the stern face of a young woman. "No." Professor McGonagall raised thin eyebrows. "No reasons then?" "I got lost," Lily replied stiffly. McGonagall raised an eyebrow. "I will let it slide. Please take a seat."

The Professor watched her new pupil as she walked to her seat. Hard to make out where to put that one. Finishing her ritual start-of-term speech she consulted her folder. The girl's results were marked by some odd French marking system. How helpful.

Casting a quick glare towards the four boys whom she had placed at the front she raised her voice. "Miss Evans, a word?" Lily stalked up to the front and sat in the chair provided. "You couldn't explain this French marking system to me could you?"

Lily looked at the sheet in front of her disdainfully. If she had found the will to care she might have done well. As it was, she had spent her exams day-dreaming and had received an 'excellent' only in Charms and Divination. And the second was simply because the teacher decided she had 'talent'.

McGonagall charmed the air around them to prevent other students listening in and watched Lily expectantly.

"E is Excellent – it's the same in both languages. B is Bien or Good, PM is Pas Mal; not bad. M is Mauvais; bad." She refrained from grimacing at her Transfiguration mark that followed the next. "H is Horrible. Same in both languages again." She fell silent.

"And could you translate the comment," the Professor prodded. She felt like glaring. Who cared what some oddball Professor thought? Or this one? They both taught Transfiguration and so were obviously both mad anyway.

"Disappointing exam mark, not up to standards of work through the year which was about PM. All marks should be better and should have achieved higher – has potential." Lily barely managed not to spit the last word.

Professor McGonagall regarded her, taking in the icy eyes, straight back and multi-coloured hair before nodding. "I will not take this comment into account when marking you and you may begin with a clean slate but I expect better standards and will get them. I hope that is clear. Please sit in the third row."

Lily gathered up her books from her former back-row seat and slid into the free third row desk beside a huge Slytherin who leered at her. She gave him a look that could have crystallized snow and opened her textbook. Complicated Animal transformations. Joy.

Luckily the lesson consisted of note-taking, and no practical work was needed. She dreaded the next lesson. Leaving the classroom as the bell rang she wandered through the corridors, past the great hall and up a flight of stairs. She wasn't really hungry and if she wanted to avoid people and have time to herself – and get to a few lessons vaguely on time – she would need to know her way round the godforsaken place.

The Library was on the second floor beside the main staircase. She made her way around it then checked out a book for her Transfigurations essay. Turning towards the next flight of stairs she stopped short.

"Where do you think you're going?" It was the four boys from the day before. Lily gave them a disdainful look. "Is this an owned staircase? Excuse me." The boy everyone addressed as Sirius blocked her path.

"You're not going to the common room are you?"

"After all, the dungeons are that was; I think you belong there," James added, stepping up beside his friend. If they thought they could intimidate her by using their size they were sorely mistaken.

"I would like to pass. As you have no reason to stop me I assume you will be moving away in a second." Her fingers curled noticeably around her wand.

"We do have reason."

"We have several things to say."

"You should listen."

"It's in your best interests."

How sweet, Lily mused. They shared sentences. She remained silent, letting one foot tap ominously. They ignored it.

"We want an apology for what you said yesterday."

"To Faye."

"In public."

Lily let one eyebrow rise. "I don't recall saying anything offensive, and nothing that would concern you. Move." She was done with being restrained and polite.

"So you really do belong in Slytherin," Sirius remarked. She wondered where that came in. "Too stupid and evil to realise an insult or understand how to apologise." Evil. Hmm. An imaginative adjective. How amusinglu _insulting_.

"The Sorting Hat obviously made a mistake. You don't belong in Gryffindor." Lily had a strong feeling they were right but wasn't about to tell them _that._

"Have you egos exploded you heads yet? Oh wait of course I can just about see the crack beginning to show. Do you really thing yourselves better than something infused with the very brains of Hogwarts founders?" And stupid gits those long dead oddities were too. "I think not. Perhaps you should take your queries to Dumbledore." Fed up, she shouldered her way past them. This wouldn't be happening if the stupid hat had got it _right_.

"If you don't apologise, what happened today will be just the beginning. And we're always kind in the beginning." She kept walking. Their efforts today had been less than impressive.

"We'll find out each and every one of your secrets and then, they won't be anywhere near secret any more." She forced herself not to hesitate or stiffen.

Let them try. Lily Evans' secrets were so tightly locked up that some were almost unreachable – even to Lily herself.

Xxx

What followed was the strangest case of prank-war/bullying that Hogwarts had ever seen – mainly because any retaliation from the victim was almost completely untraceable or recognisable and so to call it a war was I little inaccurate. The Marauders were by no means subtle and seemed to have enlisted the entire student body for their campaign – even a few Slytherins. Usually, any enemy of the Marauders was a potential friend of the Slytherins but not this time.

Walking back from Potions one day Lily had been accosted by one boy by the name of Flint. He had smiled in a slimily charming way but Lily had not missed the leers directed below her face. She stared icily at him.

"Yes?" Three more Slytherins flanked his back. "We just thought you might want some…help." She didn't change her expression. "And why would you think that?"

His smile widened. "As a former 'victim' of some of your housemates, I thought we might…ah…join forces."

"I can hardly expect that this help can be found without a price I suppose?" His eyes travelled once more.

"Planning will naturally include a few visits to Hogsmeade," he agreed. She shook her head coldly.

"I refuse to be a part of your petty revenge schemes and I also refuse to engage in any kind of activity with you, whether business or social. Goodbye." He caught her arm in a vice like grip. "You don't want to be doing that." His minions stepped forward. Anger flared and she wrenched her arm away. "No, I think it's you who shouldn't have done _that_," she hissed.

Needless to say, Flint's teachers were rather surprised when he excused himself from afternoon lessons complaining of a 'stomach ache'.

Unfortunately, satisfying this action had been, it had lead to mass bullying by almost the entire senior school and quite a few of the juniors. It had not all been triggered by the Marauders of course. Lily had both intentionally and unintentionally sown the right seeds by insulting or provoking almost every influential individual in the school. And despite feeling a little exasperated and sometimes even a tiny bit upset by the bully, she revelled in the solitude now easily available.

However, despite having been at Hogwarts for two months she still hadn't really improved the time she arrived to lessons. With constant harassment received from other students she hadn't managed to understand the castle as well as she had hoped and got lost almost once every day. But when looked on as an improvement from about seven times a day she felt that it could have been worse.

Lessons, she discovered, were about as boring as those at Beauxbatons. Charms was the only things she almost enjoyed – the results were often useful and the Professor seemed to view her as some kind of special pupil. Usually she would have discouraged such things and try to create the strained relationship achieved with the other Professors – but Flitwick seemed to be immune and continually gave her extra work or research into more complex topics. This kept her occupied during the evenings when she had nothing better to do except other homework or muse over the state of Quidditch in France. It was always interesting or useful but not so hard that she would leave it unfinished or unstarted as she did with other pieces of work.

This was one of the things that had lead to the almost empty parchment before her and the angry frown on Professor Hasnel's face. As Lily was seated at a table on her own, behind Alice and Elise, the Professor had to sweep through quite a few groups of students to reach her. The result was that most pupils taking Divination stopped studying their own returned essays and turned around to enjoy the show.

"I hope you are aware, Miss Evans, that your marks in this subject are almost of a failing standard? In fact, I am seriously considering failing you and kicking you out of this class! You have never handed in a finished homework – I'm lucky if I receive anything at all! You don't try, you don't interact, you don't _work_!" She paused for breath and Lily regarded her, coolly unruffled.

"Then why don't you? Kick me out of class and be free of all the _pain _and _suffering_ I so _unintentionally _cause you," she replied, a complete contrast to the irate women in front of her.

"Because," Hasnel cried, "because, although you stubbornly won't admit or take advantage of it, you have talent, child." Child! Who was the one screaming their head off here? Honestly. "And I refuse to let that go to waste. Now you will go and sit with those two boys and you will work."

Lily didn't move. "Now, or so help me you will be confined to this room in detention for the rest of the month!" Grudgingly, she stalked through the hoard of shocked pupils – Professor Hasnel _never_ shouted – and dropped her bag beside the chair with a thud. Picking out a book from her bag she glared at the table's occupants over its top.

James and Sirius groaned and glared back. "Bitch," one whispered under his breath. She looked up. "I'm not the one growling like an animal," she snapped, returning to the charmed pages before her. Sirius made to snatch it from her hands but subsided, instead planning better ways to retaliate.

Lily let herself become submerged in the free dimension offered by the book – Quidditch. She received two English and two French Qudditch magazines every month, one for each week, and every word of this week's was charmed onto the pages before her.

Five minutes later she was rudely pulled back to reality by James trying to grab it from her. She glared icily. Seemingly unfazed he glared back. "Because you are sitting here, Professor Hasnel is watching us and actually expects us to do some work." He looked positively outraged at this idea. She didn't need to wonder why. All glimpses of him in Divination had shown him pratting around with his friends. "It your turn," he grumbled.

Lily glanced at the Crystal Ball sitting on the table feeling trepidation well up. "Haven't you had a go? Or don't you ever work?" she asked nastily. He shot her an angry look. "We've both had a go while you were having your love affair with the paper. If we have to work with you can't you pay a bit of bloody attention? Oh I forgot, you're to dumb. My mistake." Sirius grinned.

"One, I don't see how I can have a love affair when I supposedly have no heart," – she was referring to an earlier prank that week – "and two, I can't be bothered to pay attention when it means I have to look at your ugly faces so leave me alone and get on with your sad lives." Sirius was prevented from giving a reply with something to do with her own sad life by Professor Hasnel.

"Have you all had a go you three?" She fixed Lily with a pointed look. "Of course," Lily replied at the same time as Sirius said triumphantly. "Lily hasn't."

"Well then." Hasnel gave her a sweet smile and held out the Crystal Ball. "What do you see?" Lily pointedly screwed up her eyes and stared at the smoky globe for about two seconds before smiling icily at her. "Sorry, nothing there."

"Are you sure dear?" A truth charm weaved itself onto the fingertips of her wandless hand. "I can't make out anything." The charm stayed white. Well of course, Lily thought, successful. After all, the shapes had become pretty blurred the moment they appeared given that her eyes had been purposely unfocussed.

After staring at her a moment the Professor moved on and, placing the ball on the table with a clunk, Lily picked up her book once again, soon becoming engrossed in information about the latest French stars.

She didn't notice the other boys at the table glancing at each other, suddenly recognising the avoided question. It was something to add to their frustratingly short list of her so far completely undiscovered secrets.

Xxx

That evening was stormy and, staring at the rain beating at the windows, Lily almost felt like smiling. Sure enough, on the notice-board there was a bright read, CANCELLED, chalked across all Quidditch practise that evening. It wasn't the she didn't want the teams to practise – if they were good the first Quidditch game of the season might be fairly entertaining – but it was far harder to fly unnoticed when there were seven or eight others also zooming around.

Dropping her cloak behind a statue in the south tower she released her broom from a key ring and watched it enlarge to it's correct size. Launching herself from the tower she felt the wind rush into her face, accompanied by stinging rain and creeping October cold.

But she didn't mind. Here, fifty feet off the ground in the pouring rain, here was real solitude – and here was freedom.

xxx

So that's it. Probably one of my longest chapters and since i mean to make the rest of it just as long it could take a while.

Please review!


	2. Chapter Two

So this is chapter two! please enjoy!

**Chapter Two **

In contrast to the stormy weather through the week, Saturday morning dawned brightly. Sitting at her usual place in the Great Hall, Lily fondled Nuage's feathers, watching the other pupils and still lamenting the lack of coffee. The Ravenclaw teams were easy to distinguish as they sat close together talking as were the Gryffindors.

Already decked out in their Quidditch robes they were huddled in the middle of the table, their captain talking animatedly. She could have laughed at the rest of the team's expressions but felt like hitting them. Quidditch was serious! Couldn't they pay attention to their captain before the match? Knowing this school even the Quidditch would probably be boring.

Now, she was still dubious. The hoards of people around her were brimming with sickly enthusiasm and team loyalty, covered in red and gold scarves and hats. Some even sported banners urging on the team. Lily felt like leaving and not bothering with this violation of a good sport. However, once the players streamed onto the field she abandoned such thoughts and waited impatiently for the game to begin.

The commentator was one of the Marauders, Remus Lupin. She had a feeling that that one would have been the most dangerously understanding and compassionate – had she not insulted and upset the girl he liked on her first evening. She was rather proud of that unexpected foresight.

"The Ravenclaw team! Rennet, Everto, Johnson, Smith, Walsh, Trent and the Captain….Diggory!" Figures in red and gold robes sped onto the pitch. With rather more enthusiasm Remus continued... "And the Gryffindors! Uslo, Black, O'Brien, Wesley, Anisee, Potter and the Captain…Bisley! Here we are at the first game of the season between the badgers and griffins! Rumour has it that both teams have been practising over the holidays so this should be a close one! Welcomed onto the Gryffindor team is O'Brien from the third year as a new chaser!"

Lily studied the players of her own house. From the bats in their hands, Black and Wesley were obviously beaters and she wasn't surprised by the former – he obviously enjoyed hitting things. The captain…well he would be a chaser – the readiness of his hands which didn't touch the broom said everything. O'Brien was a chaser as Remus had said – he looked pale and nervous and Laura Anisee, a fifth year who had a bed near Lily, was also a chaser. That would make Uslo the keeper – he was a big, brawny sixth year.

From process of elimination this would obviously suggest that Potter was the seeker – but one glance at his position on the field and his broomstick made this completely clear. She was almost surprised at this – she wouldn't have expected the slightly rash prankster to be something requiring so much patience and delicacy. Perhaps she had misjudged.

Not that interested in people away from the field, Lily was strangely perceptive about Quidditch players. She could easily tell when they were having a bad day, when they were playing at their best and could identify flaws in teamwork and skill in her sleep. This may have come from continuous reading, flying and watching and also from the fact that Quidditch had never been locked up as everything else had. The thought had never occurred to her.

"And Mr Deforn steps out onto the pitch to let the ball loose and begin the game! There go the bludgers, the golden snitch – don't forget guys that ball wins 150points! – and finally the Quaffle. Chaser Anisee zips in to snatch it and the play begins!

"Anisee passes to O'Brien, O'Brien to Bisley, will he get it through the hoops?...Ravenclaw Keeper doesn't look like he's letting go of this one…and he passes to Anisee once more – ooh, great save by Walsh!" Remus didn't sound particularly excited by the 'great save'.

"And they're off again! Ravenclaw in possession, Rennet to Johnson to…great interception by Bisley I think we all know why he's our team captain! A great broom he has too…" At this point Remus was interrupted by another voice – "For goodness sake Lupin, O'Brien has the Quaffle now commentate the game don't advertise broomsticks!"

As he continued Lily studied the team play. Remus had been right about Bisley but she wondered what they would dl once he left Hogwarts the next year. He seemed to hold together the team, reassuring and uniting them. A good player in his own right too. She eyed a few of his moves with something akin to envy.

Black. Beater was a good position for him – his aim was pretty good. In the unprejudiced examination of Quidditch she could also tell that dog-like loyalty made him ideal for the part of fending of bludgers from his team-mates. Had Lily not been on the figurative receiving end of his bludgers she might have noticed a similar quality sometimes displayed normally. Other than Laura – who was a good chaser she noted – Lily had very small interest in the other players. She watched them fly and score closely but noted more the flaws and skill than the individual character or through any personal interest. About ten minutes into the game, Potter suddenly dropped into a dive. Remus continued commentating with renewed enthusiasm.

"Has he seen the snitch? So close to the beginning of the game – will this be a short one? He's diving with Smith closing in behind, who will reach it first, Potter's in the lead…" All around Lily people we tense, eyes glued to the two speeding figures, house banners clutched tight in their hands. Lily straightened her black gloves, shoving her hands deeper into her pockets, unconcerned.

It was so obvious that she didn't even let out a breath as he pulled sharply out of the dive, leaving the Ravenclaw struggling for the control of his broom.

She had to give it to him – Potter was pretty talented. Obvious it might be to a careful watcher – the slight relaxedness of the fingers, the tenseness and focus on the dive rather than something up ahead – but she and most others could never pull of the stunt in the same way. A little more practise and even she might be fooled…

She wondered instead why he had dived – to give the game some drama, to draw attention away from something or some tactic already thought out by the team? Given that it was potter she suspected the first. However, Lily would often find herself misjudging when it came to Potter.

She turned her attention back to the game, gleaning skills and tactics from both teams and spotting flaws. It wasn't the negative view of a spectator from another team but more the neutral regard of a coach – albeit one who would never reveal her findings.

When Potter dived once again, the Ravenclaw seeker once again on his tail she wasn't prepared for the revelations that followed. He flew as if he actually _cared. _As though all that mattered at that moment was closing his fingers around the little golden ball. Leant forward everything spoke determination. Ignoring the cheers that rose up around heras he caught it she shrugged slightly and prepared to leave the stands. Quidditch had revealed much and although to Lily what was Quidditch was truth – she wasn't going to apply it outside the game where _they_ were concerned. Elbowing her way through the crowds of screaming Gryffindors she cast a last glance at the pitch before beginning her way towards the castle.

Riding on success, James just caught the glance and his eyes followed her black figure as it moved along the path. He really hated her. And yet he was incredibly curious. The fact that their list of her secrets was frustratingly short was only part of it. To someone surrounded by friends and who would lay his life down for them, a girl so completely isolated and unfriendly simply confused him. He couldn't comprehend it. She had no personality except a choice between icy and silent or cold and spiteful. James didn't understand and he didn't want to understand in anyway further than for use against her. He hated her.

Xxx

Lily did not, in fact, enter Hogwarts, instead doubling back around the bushes and making her way along the outskirts of the forbidden forest. Although curious, she had never entered it, unsure as to what she might find. Dangerous beast did not seem particularly scary – but then Lily had locked up fear. She supposed that one day Care of Magical creatures might entitle something of the sort but she felt that she might as well wait until then.

She gazed out towards the lake which was still and sparkling, losing that train of though and easily picking up a new one. The giant squid had been entirely dormant during her first tip across the water and though she had seen it active since, it was silent now. Drawing her cloak around her she shivered. Did giant squids hibernate? She turned suddenly.

"Alright there Lily?" Why on earth did he know her name? "Great Quidditch match weren't it?" She stayed silent. "Wha' house d'you get sorted in? Enjoying yerself?" Why was he interested? She ignored the second question. "Gryffindor." Her clipped answer didn't seem to faze the big man.

"Good victory for you then. Gryffindor does have the best team. Used to watch Bisley play, ready for tryouts. Team was too strong in 'is second year though they dint need a chaser. Very determined boy that. O' course, 'e made it in 'is third year, bin Captain since fifth."

Surprisingly Lily actually took in this speech – anything about Quidditch was worth knowing. She graced Hagrid with a non-committal sound. Taking this as encouragement her continued, "You interested in Quidditch?"

"Not really." She had never been averse to downright lying. Hagrid nodded a smile stretching across his boyish features as he looked down at her. Lily fought against the notion that perhaps she had shrunk.

"Got a surprise fer yer in Care of Magical Creatures. Professor Kettleburn asked me to get 'old o' them fer yer class." Lily didn't bother faking interest. As with most things, Care of Magical Creatures bored her. He seemed a little deflated by her lack of enthusiasm. "Well I'll leave it to be a secret fer yer. Gripper! Come on yer great lump leave the birds alone!"

She watched him walk of with the huge dog, trying to free a doomed bird form its teeth. He waved goodbye with a free hand and then continued towards his hut a little disappointed when she simply remained motionless. Lily didn't feel guilty.

Walking on she came to the place she had recently left and re-entered up the stairs to the stands. What had been filled with screaming children was now deserted, only a few gloves and sweet-wrappers left the show that the game had ever happened. Lily settled herself into one of the empty seats and gazed out onto the empty pitch. It was different from the one a Beauxbatons in which the stands for spectators had been less divided. She had first taken flight on that pitch…

_Lily stared at the broom before her. What was so great about this anyway? "Après j'ai dit trios, ditez 'lève toi'." Around her people glanced anxiously at each other, each hoping that their broom would lift. "Un, deux, trois…" The chorus of 'lève toi' was broken, each voice a different tone to the next. _

"_Mademoiselle Evans?" The tall Professor looked down at the silent first year. "Lève toi," she muttered grudgingly. She was still unsure what she felt about magic. After eleven years some crackpot suddenly decided to let her into random school?_

_She had no friends – more due to her house and others than her attitude as it would become later. Still she wouldn't complain. She could spend a whole year away from home. _

_The broom had leapt into her hand. "Enfourchez!" She followed the others in mounting it. Dumb idea, flying on a broomstick. There must be a more practical way to travel. _

_By the end on the lesson she had completely reformed her opinion. Transport aside, flying was incredible. For the first time she was truly sure that she liked being a witch._

The first house match she had watched, however amateur, had instilled in her an enthusiasm fully formed. She practically gave up on homework, spending her time devouring every book and source of interest. She had subscribed to the French magazines and as an afterthought in her second year, English ones. After all, having spent the first five years of her life in England it couldn't be too hard to pick up the fully neglected language again.

Each team at Beauxbatons had been graced by her presence at their practises, a ritual which had continued even after she had made her house team in second year. Spare moments were most usually spent practising and honing the natural skill she harboured.

Soon, Lily knew more about Quidditch than anyone else her age at Beauxbatons and, having been kicked of the team after a particularly loud argument with the Captain (sometimes teamwork skills failed her) in the middle of her third year, had put her mind to devising strategies instead. These mysteriously turned up in each houses locker room and Lily had the satisfaction of watching her ideas rather than playing them. She hadn't cared who won.

Quidditch would be similar here she knew. Bu they wouldn't receive tips from her. Not the Gryffindors anyway. Nor the Slytherins – they could thank Flint for that. The others…Well she'd see.

Xxx

Standing in front of the portrait, Lily couldn't suppress reluctance. Not to enter exactly – although the world behind it was entirely different to the one she now stood in she had been often before and found it not at all daunting. It was the act of opening which annoyed her, the way in which by committing it she was almost accepting the Hogwarts 'family'.

She reached up and tickled the pear, her contempt directed not only at the painting but, by some inexplicable way, at herself. Stepping through she found other things worthy of contempt – but they did not receive it.

Staring at the small creatures, with their big ears and eyes, she even felt a kind of fondness. She let herself be ushered to a seat. Crowds of the little creatures congregated around her, their squeaky voices filling the air. A plate was pressed into her hands. "What does Miss want?"

"Lily," she corrected automatically. For some reason a house-elf formerly of the French ministry now worked at Hogwarts and took great delight in making French bread and coffee to give Lily every time she came to visit. She smiled down at the small thing dressed in a tricolour pillowcase feeling slightly resentful as she accepted the usual cup. It was one thing to be slightly reliant on a drink but to be indebted to the person who made it? She hated that.

Finishing she got up and wandered through the tables. "What's hat?" She gestured towards a tray of hot chocolate, biscuits and newspaper. "For Dumbledore Miss. He is always wanting his stuff in the evening." Lily frowned a moment before lifting the paper from its place. "He always gets a newspaper from the Kitchens?" Crazy old bat.

No Miss." Oh. Well, one strange habit to another. "It is just today hi says he is wanting it." Lily looked down at Sabby the French elf. "Well say nothing about me to him." She joined the elves kneading dough just for something to do until they shooed her away. When she left it was with a rolled newspaper shoved neatly into her bag.

Xxx

In the common room, a party was in full swing. The Marauders had made full use of their access to Honeydukes cellars and people could easily see the results – without knowing their source of course. The Gryffindor team sat pretty close together, surrounded by their numerous friends. Needless to say, much of their talk was of victory not the actual game.

Lily shoved hr way through the throngs of people, ignoring the enticing sweets and drinks laid out. She could smell alcohol although not around the younger years. At least the Marauders had got something right. Not surprisingly she had no doubt about the organisers. Turning her nose up at it she kept shoving until she reached the stairs.

"Where are you going, Lily?" a voice called mockingly. "Don't you want to celebrate with everyone?" She stared at Black for a moment, impassively. "No, I don't think I will bother celebrating the fact that your head has grown by a few inches." Potter prevented her from going up the stairs, setting himself behind her.

"Never heard of _fun_ Evans? But of course with no friends to share it with…Still we think you should. After all you're in this house." Particularly biter about that, Lily noted coldly. She herself had given up grumbling about it.

"Strangely enough I don't feel great favouritism to a house with you lot in. I'd be more inclined to call it cursed."

"Well it definitely is with you joining us." How original, Lily thought, giving the boy a cold stare.

"What, are you going to cry home to your Mummy, Black, because you don't like me being in your wonderful house?" Hit a nerve there she realised. Maybe he really _loved_ his mother or some such ridiculous thing. He looked like he wanted to hit her.

"She's not worth it guys," another boy persuaded, coming up with Alice and Laura. She let a contemptuous smirk onto he features. "That's right Lupin, they're not worth my barely precious time." She shoved an angry potter and glided up the stares.

Enclosed behind the curtains of her four-poster she dug in her bag, curious. Why would Dumbledore want a copy of the Daily Prophet in the_ evening_? Even if he was completely mad? She studied the first page.

'Minister for Magic – likely to resign?...Hats for all occasions…..Attack by you-know-who in Kent a hoax….Is employment at the Ministry falling?'

She could see nothing of interest – or at least nothing you would look at over half a day after it had been printed. She continued through the newspaper but found nothing of note.

After a moment she shrugged and shoved it in a drawer. A half finished essay lay on the floor but she ignored it. She was too bored to bother with homework. As she was about to escape into the sky the door burst open and Lily stayed where she was behind the curtains.

"God, Ventil is such a prude!" There was a creak as the speaker – Elise – flopped onto one of the beds. The others chimed agreement. "What do we do now?" Alice groaned.

"Truth or Dare," Maggie – another Gryffindor sixth year suggested wickedly. A chorus of protest followed. "No! Every time was play that it has the same questions and every time I end up revealing something secret," Laura grumbled.

"What about your blond boyfriend?" Faye asked mischievously.

"For the last time we are _not _going out!" Laura cried.

"Right and what was the thing in the locker rooms then, hmm?" Faye teased.

"A mistake!"

"Are you sure you don't want to play truth or dare? After al, then you might actually tell the truth!"

"Come on guys leave Laura and her BB alone," Alice chided laughing.

"BB?" Laura asked suspiciously.

"Boyfriend Bisley," Alice grinned. "His first name, Chase, doesn't quite have the same ring to it…"

"Leave me alone."

"Hey you sounded like Evans there!"

"Shh Alice she might be in here."

"Nah, she's not. Her cloak's not on the hook." Lily glanced at the piece of clothing on the end of her bed and rolled her eyes at stupidity.

"Maybe she's out with a Slytherin boyfriend," Faye said.

"Who cares," Laura replied, "I think your love life may be more interesting."

"Tell!" they all chorused. Laura laughed.

"Isn't it obvious?"

"What's obvious?" Faye asked defensively. "Nothing's obvious."

Maggie gave what sounded like a snort. "Yeah, right."

"Aww, is our little fairy growing up?" Alice cooed.

"Yeah well I had to make up for all the growing up you did so early!" Faye retorted.

"That's not fair!" Alice replied. "Just because…"

"You've had a few boyfriends…" Maggie continued.

"Who mostly weren't very nice…" Faye added.

"Doesn't mean you grew up really fast," Elise finished.

Alice rolled her eyes. "As I was saying…"

"Face it Al, they just summarised it pretty well," Faye interrupted. "When will you choose someone who isn't a arsehole?"

Alice shrugged. "When they stop being so interesting I guess." Lily frowned. She had known another, older, woman who had never quite put that into words. She shook the thought off quickly, returning to their conversation.

"…wouldn't have a boyfriend anyway."

"Are we back to this?" Laura grumbled.

"What, you'd prefer to talk about BB?" Elise shot back.

"She's right you know Laura," Maggie said. "I mean, who in their right mind would date her?"

"A Slytherin…"

"Not even they would sink that low unless all they wanted was…"

"Yah and your point?"

"She wouldn't go out with anyone anyway. She doesn't have the capacity to like anyone. For someone named after a flower you'd think there would be more sweetness about her."

"Come on she can't be all bad," Laura protested. "There must be something good you can think off?" The usually imaginative Gryffindors could come up with nothing, even Laura. Silently Lily could congratulate herself on a job well done.

Xxx

"Guys, shh!" Remus whispered. His friends laughed harder. "Come on Moony, it' not like anyone's gonna catch us here. Lighten up a bit." Remus sighed.

"It's different this year Prongs, I mean; I'm a Prefect. I can't keep going against Dumbledore's trust. I mean, hell, he's already done so much…"

"Don't be dumb Moony. Any sane person would do the same."

"That makes for a lot of insane people, Wormtail."

"Whatever guys, come on will you, a certain piece of fruit is giggling."

"Really, Padfoot? I thought it was you…"

The four boys stepped through the entrance and were immediately bombarded by house-elves. They grinned, looking at everything in the room and choosing so bit before settling down by one of the tables. They conveniently missed a flash o red hair as its owner flew behind a pillar.

Lily fumed. This was _her _place! She had of course known that the Marauders came here – she had discovered it through eavesdropping on them – but had never seen them.

"Whose is that Sabby?" The little house-elf nearly dropped the plate and Lily almost groaned aloud, recognising it has her unfinished supper of French bread.

"Yeah we never have French bread at dinner." Sabby shifted nervously. "Sabby is liking to makes it sirs, it reminds Sabby of home." The four nodded a moment. "But who likes to eat it Sabby?"

"Sabby cannot say, Sabby isn't knowing sirs," she replied unhappily, shuffling off. The Marauders let her go.

"Oh well, whatever," Black said. "Look the food's more important." Lily watched him eat. How disgusting. "Padfoot, you did eat at dinner." The boy stopped for a moment. "I'm a growing boy! Mrs Potter would be ashamed of you if you deny me my food!"

Lupin rolled his eyes. "We'll leave the idiot to his food and do what we came here to do shall we?" Potter shook his head, grinning. "Plenty of time later – after all what would my mum say?" He seated himself beside his friend. "Anyway, Quidditch players like ourselves…" Conceited prat.

"The Match was weeks ago Prongs."

"What's wrong with dwelling on success? Besides, do you want to hear about Charlotte?"

"NO!" She vaguely wondered who Charlotte was, dismissing it quickly as uninteresting. There had to be another way out of this place. Preferably one bigger than a house-elf. Sabby appeared by her elbow, together with another male elf dressed in bits of each house's bedclothes. She clapped her hands across their mouths before their squeaking voices could give her away. Pointing toward the portrait she mouthed, "Other exit." Sabby almost bit her hand in an effort to speak and proceeded to bang her head in a pan, moaning.

"Uh, Sabby?" Go away Potter, Lily thought angrily. "Is she alright?" Lupin asked. About to dash through the portrait hole while their backs were turned she realised that Black and Pettigrew were still sitting facing it. Cursing she flattened herself against the wall. The other house-elf tugged her robes making her bend down, then lead her into a small opening shielded by the pillar.

She had been right about one thing, Lily realised. Most openings were house-elf sized and very uncomfortable for a fully grown human. Glancing down the tiny passageway she resolved to wait until the Marauders had left rather than squeeze down it. It was only when the walls began to close in disturbingly and the muffled voices showed no signs of leaving that she started her way down it's clinging darkness.

Straightening cramp from her muscles in a corridor she reflected that yet another place she had made a sanctuary had been invaded. Another reason to hate the Marauders and she took it easily.

Xxx

December came quickly. It seemed an age and yet almost no time at all since she had first arrived, Lily reflected. Only two and a half years left. When the list came around she signed her name without hesitation – she wasn't going back to he father house. With the increasing news of Voldemort many children were returning to their families to spend time with their parents and siblings in case the unthinkable should happen. However, before they left, Hogwarts had one last thing to offer.

Driven from the castle to escape the happy decorations and festivities, lily found no relief in Hogsmeade. In the tea shops couples kissed under mistletoe, in the clothing shops crowds of girls debated on dress robes for the Christmas ball, the Three Broomsticks was packed full, Zonko's revelled in it – 'magical mistletoe – to catch a love this Christmas – outside were endless snow-games and Honeydukes – well, Honeydukes held the Marauders.

Fingering various sweets he watched them from the corner of her eye, irritated by the glances they kept shooting her way and annoyed that they wee there at all. "Did you lose something over here? I'm afraid you won't find intelligence – that's a hopeless case." She was picking a fight she knew, but she didn't care. It was their fault simply for existing. Black sighed dramatically but couldn't quite prevent annoyance from showing.

"We were actually wondering whether we should tell you where the appearance changing sweets were. Then it might be less painful to look at you."

"Don't bother, Padfoot; she needs more than a make over to hide an ugly personality _and _an ugly body," Potter put in.

"Well then I suggest _you _go with invisibility – though your arrogance would probably be detectable whatever you did. I would wish you good luck but you'll need more than that."

"And I suppose any kind of well wishing would cause you to choke?"

"Please worry – your head might implode from overuse."

"Are you buying Christmas presents?" A little off-topic, Lily thought slightly thrown.

"Of course mot Moony, that would be a bit generous for her." For some reason Potter seemed to hate her more than the other three.

"Worried you might not get enough?" she asked derisively.

Potter laughed mockingly, "I don't think it's me who has to worry about that." Lily shrugged indifferently.

"You might worry because you're shallow enough to _care_." Bored of their unoriginal comments she stalked to the counter and paid for a selection of sweets. Potter had been wrong when he had said she wouldn't buy Christmas presents. True, she had not spent long deciding on what to buy in accordance to character or preference – but she barely knew her father or stepfamily and didn't make any effort to.

They were token gifts, unimportant, inexpensive and meaningless. It was better that way.

Xxx

The afternoon before the Christmas ball found Lily chased from her dormitory to escape from the sickening excitement and gossip of the other girls. Returning to find it deserted she relaxed wit her curtains open. As usual there was unfinished work strewn across her area of floor – but as usual she didn't bother finishing it, instead pulling a heavy French book out from under the bed. She had been surprised to discover a section of the library filled with other language books and had taken one particular book off the shelf.

It was about change.

Flicking through it she almost resolved to improve at Transfiguration upon seeing spell to do with animagi and animal transformations. The freedom one would have as a bird… But improvement meant effort and effort meant being noticed to improve. And Lily didn't want that.

Besides, she was somehow sure that the must be some kind of charm which changed one into an animal. Because, not everyone was good at Transfiguration – and some of those people must have been determined enough to make a charm. At least that was the theory…

Hours later, Lily awoke suddenly, sweating. She almost felt ready to thank her dorm-mates for rousing her. She silently closed the curtains and slipped into the bathroom to wash her face, then brushed her teeth vigorously. The toothpaste clunked as it dropped into the sink and she hastily lifted it from under the running water.

Her hands were shaking. Taking an essay from the floor, she unscrewed the ink bottle slowly and tried to remember exactly what she had been writing about. Anything to occupy her mind until sleep could once again claim her.

xxx

So there it is. I would love if you would tell me what you think in reviews... Talking of reviews some replies...

pimpilidimpli - my first review! Yes its all quite confusing and you do find out kinda why later - but some of it is just her character...

maliaphire - it will be an L/J; i couldn't write anything where it didn't end up with them happy in the end (even if they end up dying or whatever...) The plot is random but it is there in my mind...i just need to write this long enough for it to get onto paper...

Monica Isabella Angela - just to say i'm 5' too! well 5'1'' but woteva. Short people rule!

deppforever07 - yah i like the stories where she's all tough too... (could be why im writing one...) Thanx

Apathetically Interested - I love quidditch stories too... Yeah i'd say that Faye's bad point is that she can be a bit oversensitive and a dramaqueen. But her character will have good points... I agree about the crying thing i don't like crying in front of people apart from nethin else its kinda embarassing... (although i ahve a weakness in films...Delovely is sooo sad...)

greeneyes - im nt telling... And well eventually stuff wil happen with james and her...

Beatrix B - im glad she doesn't seem to bitter. If i ever do overdo it please let me know...

Shivering Smile - Daria as in Ella Enchanted? because if so yes, if not which Daria? She sounds interesting...

Also thanks to; Kara Adar, Dear me! Elizabeth Elliot, Aznangel4eva, Belle, Wildphire, susanna, Draco's kid, Emmy.

I might not always to review replies - they take up so much time when i could be writing the next chapter... I'll probably just reply to questions and not list everybody. That way this will be updated more often.

Speaking of updating i'm having problems with Chapter three and i get the feeling it won't be as long as these...which is upsetting. Still it should hopefully be up by next week...

Please review!


	3. Chapter Three

So here is the third chapter. Firstly - I AM SO SORRY IT IS SO LATE! I had masses of English coursework, and on January the 9th i have a maths mock exam which i should be revising for... Hopefully the next chapter shall be up sooner anyway...

Also to the reviewer who mentioned that James played Chaser - thanks, i didn't know that because the film and book contradicts or something. One question - does JK Rowling contradict herself too because i swear he plays with a snitch win the fifth book? oh el anyway, i think seeker fits this story and since it's already pretty out of cannon...kind of.

A QUESTION TO EVERYONE - is anyone fussed about this staying in Cannon? Cos i can make it quite in Cannon without messing the plot up, although some things can't be included... I'd be glad to know.

Anyway, on with the show!

**Chapter Three**

Lily didn't like Christmas. About to walk into the Great Hall one morning, she instead turned and walked in the opposite direction, repelled by the huge number decorations crowding it. Few people had stayed for Christmas making going to the Kitchens a far preferable option. With the remaining staff and pupils all seated together, the chances of having to talk to someone were greatly increased. Lily couldn't be bothered.

Stepping into the kitchens she found that the house-elves had scantily decorated the kitchens with coloured materials. Slightly disappointed she sat down at one of the tables and helped herself to some bread and cheese. Watching the house-elves bustle about, she found that somehow their festivity really didn't irritate her so much. So absorbed in watching them kneed dough and decorate cakes, Lily didn't notice the figure stepping up behind her.

"You won't join us for breakfast, Miss Evans?" She snapped round, hastily hiding her horror. How to answer?

"I find the company here more satisfactory." Blunt, cold, downright rude – not to mention pointedly insulting. Perhaps not recommended way to speak to a Headmaster with the prestige of Dumbledore. Funny word, prestige, she mused. Especially when used to describe downright barmy...

He didn't respond to her reply immediately, instead helping himself to a roll and biting into it. "I _hav_e known people to prefer house-elves to people. Though they were mostly either elderly ladies or men with aspirations for power not teenage girls." Lily wondered whether this was meant to be offensive or if it were simply a careless comment made by a decrepit old man. She decided that it didn't really matter and stayed silent.

"You will find burdens far easier to bear when they are shared. Simple unknowing support would help you along the road. I do wonder why you refuse help." Burdens seemed a rather melodramatic word. Lily was certain she carried none and never would – nothing could become a burden if it were locked in the past. As for sharing – in her opinion that was just another word for taking.

"I have none. If you will excuse me." She got up, making for the exit.

"You make life harder for yourself, Lily. Opening up lets in happiness as well as the chance of betrayal. Don't forget that." But she didn't answer, leaving the room with only an unfinished breakfast as evidence that she had ever been there. The Headmaster sighed frowning, before wishing the house-elves a happy Christmas and disappearing through another exit.

In the corridors Lily fumed. Who was he to give her advice? Wisdom didn't come from age, conceit did. She had no need of his ramblings – they meant nothing. Stalking down the corridor she stormed into the dormitory, glad that Laura, the only dorm-mate who had stayed for Christmas, wasn't there. She itched to go flying but wasn't stupid enough to risk it.

Snatching a Transfiguration essay off the floor she scratched in another few sentences then tore the parchment in half angrily and threw an ink bottle across the room. Then, alarmed by her loss of control she carefully gathered the pieces of glass and cleaned the wall and floor with a spell. The essay she left as it was – the forlorn pieces scattered across the red and gold bedspread like fallen leaves.

Xxx

She went to bed early on Christmas Eve in an attempt to avoid all reminders that that was what day it was. It was still snowing outside. It had never snowed at Beauxbatons – they were too far south. She didn't really like snow much; she preferred rain. Snow gathered and then turned to horrible mush – but rain just washed away.

The shivering anticipation everywhere made her edgy and silent – she barely glanced at Laura when the girl tidied away one of her books; something which would usually have triggered a cold argument. Far before the festivities in the common room below had ended she had closed her hangings and turned out the lamps.

And yet at eleven thirty she was still lying awake, hours after she had slipped into bed. The darkness which had been so welcome now pressed in on her and she felt that the space between the walls around her must be getting smaller. The covers were so heavy they stifled her; it was too warm and yet she was shivering. She couldn't sleep.

She was afraid to.

The clock rang the half hour and she felt a pang of déja-vu. They had had a clock that bonged in the flat in France. But she wouldn't think about that. And she wouldn't get out of bed this time – she would keep trying to fall asleep.

But she would stay awake. She was obligated to. Because this was her punishment; the price she supposed she would unwillingly pay.

She remained like that, waiting for fitful slumber which would eventually claim her, waiting for the unwelcome images that plagued sleep.

Outside, the snow kept falling.

Xxx

On Christmas Day Laura woke quite early to the sound of a door slamming. Rubbing her eyes she sat up, feeling packages weigh on her feet. After decide to save all but one for later she ripped the paper off the outside of the package Bisley had sent the team. She could see the gift he had sent only her under the pile but left it with a smile of anticipation.

She glanced at the bed beside hers with a frown. It was completely silent in the dormitory. She somehow guessed that Lily Evans wasn't sitting behind those curtains and had probably been the reason for the slamming which had awoken her. She was strange, Lily Evans. Being the type of person to see the good in everyone, Laura was baffled because in Lily Evans it seemed impossible to find any.

An owl tapped at the window and she wandered over, shivering. Opening the frosted panes she grinned, recognising it as Chase Bisley's owl, Quaffle. Contrary to his name, the owl proved difficult to catch and it took her a few minutes to finally get the precious letter from him. She smiled reading it.

Her boyfriend had tried to persuade her into going home with him but she felt awkward and unsure. However, she had insisted that he should go and not stay at Hogwarts with her – though she what she hadn't said was that this could be that last time he saw them. This left her alone in the Dormitory with Lily Evans whose company left a lot to be desired. The Marauders and most of the others in the 5th year had also left and she had taken to hanging out with a Hufflepuff girl. They had few things in common – just Quidditch and the fact that their parents were continually abroad.

She scribbled a reply to Chase then reopened the window, wincing as the cold air rushed in, and then watched the owl soar away over the white ground. There was a figure walking through the snow. As she was caught between wondering who would walk out in the snow at this time on Christmas morning and running down to join them, the figures black hat slipped off and Laura recognised the red hair which streamed out. Why would Lily be out at this time?

Caught by a sudden curiosity she turned and reached for the edges of Lily's curtains. She wasn't sure if it was relief or disappointment she felt when that wouldn't open. Looking down she noticed a book poking out at the bottom. Frowning she leant down to lift it and found that the curtain came with it.

The first thing she noticed when she looked through the gap was the amount of stuff on the floor. Everywhere there was paper, books and clothing. The bedclothes were twisted and devoid of packages. Didn't she get them? Laura wondered surprised. She had always thought that everyone had people to buy them gift. She wondered if Lily had actually sent them.

Guiltily, she turned away, replacing the book on the floor letting the curtain fall with it. Looking outside she realised that the black figure had disappeared.

Xxx

The snow was knee deep in some places as Lily trudged through it, bundled up in layers of wool. It was a lovely morning. The sun sparkled back of the white of the ground and across the frozen lake the Forbidden Forest looked enchantingly mythical. She ambled towards it, breath steaming in the cold air.

She stepped recklessly out onto the snow-covered ice, slid slightly but kept a grip determinedly. Pleased by her success she trudged on along outskirts of the forest, contemplatively. Rounding the corner she slipped quickly behind the trees. She hadn't expected to meet anyone this early. Frowning in annoyance she glared at the large man from her hiding place. What the hell was he doing?

Baffled she kept staring as he seated himself on a log, his horrible dog curling up beside him. He didn't move for his place, just left something on the ground before him. Overcome with curiosity she settled herself more comfortably, resolving to watch this odd giant man who had spoken to her about Quidditch. He was mumbling to himself – or the dog, she wasn't sure. Something about being quiet and waiting. Lily did just that.

Finally, as she was beginning to feel very cold, creatures emerged from the forest. Lily gasped. There were only a few, but they looked atrocious. Devoid of flesh, their skeletons showed through with horrible clarity. She shuddered. Though they looked like horses, their head reminded her of dragons, with awful, pupil-less eyes starkly white. Their black wings were leathery and bat-like but they were curled into their sides. Lily suppressed as sigh of pity. She doubted these creatures could fly with those crippled limbs. It was one thing to be born without freedom, but to be born with the means but not the ability… It made her feel awful just thinking about it.

The man stood motionless, his dog covering behind him. Then, he lifted whatever was on the floor and offered it to the largest beast. Lily frowned. It was just mistletoe!

"Merry Christmas," he rumbled. And as soon as they had come they left, leaving only a few sets of huge hoof prints and Hagrid with a few deep black hairs. He looked down at the dog.

"Well that's that done then, Gripper. Mr Olivander'll be pleased – or 'e will when Dumbledore gives 'em to 'im. Great man Dumbledore, letting us stay here like this, eh Gripper." The dog made no answer, just sat panting and staring loyally up at his master. Lily hoped she would never find herself so lonely she started speaking to a dog.

She wondered just exactly how old Hagrid was – once you got over the height he really couldn't be all that old. The dog leapt up suddenly, to catch a robin witch had landed on the log.

"Gripper no!" The bird dangled from the dog's jaws. "Oh you awful dog Gripper, bad dog." Lily rolled her eyes. Chastising in a voice like that surely didn't work on dogs. The dog dropped its prize, looking up at the man reproachfully.

"Don't look at me like that, yer great Lump! We'd better be off, got breakfast, lots of things to be seen to." He turned decisively and disappeared through the trees, the dog following obediently.

Lily stretched contemplating what she had seen. The way he had used those creatures to get something for a wand didn't shock her, only enforced what she already knew about people and trust.

It didn't make her hate him. He wouldn't know any better. Why was he here anyway. She had overheard that he hadn't been there long – a few years. So why didn't he leave if loneliness bothered him the way it seemed to? After a while she let the subject drop, relapsing into thoughts of another person who had let loneliness bother them too much.

And just as quickly as her thoughts touched on this they bounced away as if burnt and she shook herself. It was only at night she was forced to dream. At all other times there was choice involved and she would definitely choose not to relive anything.

To avoid indignity she went another way towards the castle instead of across the lake. As she made her way there she passed the bird the dog had caught. Staring down at the tiny thing in the red stained snow, its neck turned to an unnatural angle its beautiful wing broken, she felt as wave of nausea well up. Unable to push away the images she couldn't prevent herself from turning and vomiting across the white snow.

Xxx

The rest of the holidays passed quickly and Lily found herself once again swamped in work for the OWLs. It didn't help that she had started little of her Christmas work and finished even less. Now, she found herself sitting in Transfiguration with no idea of what was going on. Something to do with the holiday reading. Since she hadn't got passed the second page this knowledge wasn't very helpful.

All around her people were getting into partners. Lily sat motionless beside the window wondering if glancing at the clock would cheer her up or depress her. She got the feeling that the second would be true. There was a thump beside her and she looked up.

"I'm your partner." Alice looked disgruntled and not at all pleased. She sat down frowning and opened her textbook to the right page. "Do you want to go first or shall I?" Lily didn't answer. Alice glanced suspiciously at the closed Transfiguration textbook in front of her partner and took the wisest course of action.

"I'll start. Can I have your hand please." Lily stared back at her a moment then turned to look outside the window. Alice sighed angrily. "Give me your hand," she snapped. Lily placed her right hand on the desk. With slight trepidation she forced herself to turn back to the view. Alice said something and her hand suddenly felt weird, the ends of her fingers heavy. She snapped her hand around to observe the damage. Her fingernails were no longer nails. They had become round and had random indents in places. She wasn't sure what material they were but it definitely wasn't what normal nails were made of.

"Turn it back," she demanded, glaring at Alice. Alice frowned back. "We have to see how long the spell lasts. It's your turn." Lily didn't answer, annoyed and slightly afraid that her nails would stay as scary brown circles. She wasn't about to try it and make a fool of herself. It was snowing again outside. Just as the snow began to become horrible and slushy more would come. She wondered if the Quidditch match would still be on and hoped so. Only wimps called off Quidditch because of the weather.

"Miss Evans. Are you doing any work here?" She turned but stayed silent. "Could I have your homework please." It wasn't a question but Lily answered anyway. "I don't have it."

"And why not?" But McGonagall knew why not. She also knew that she would get no excuses or apologies from this pupil. She sighed quietly. "Have you transfigured your partner's nails?" She knew the answer to that too. "Do it now please."

Lily didn't know how to. She glanced down at Alice's book then at the girl's nails. She angrily thought of the green spiral then said, "Felectos Estos." Alice's nails turned a murky green but stayed the same shape with one or two indents. She stared. The indents were going red.

Alice's face twisted in pain and she snatched her hand off the desk. There was blood trickling from under her nails. Lily did nothing, simply turned away to watch as an owl soared across the grounds.

And so that was how she found herself standing beside McGonagall's desk after the bell had gone. The woman sat down at desk. "I don't know what to do with you Lily. You don't hand in your homework, you don't take notes in class, you don't read, you don't pay attention… You're failing. If you go on like this you won't even scrape a Troll in your owls. If you don't get your grades up I'm afraid I'm going to have to get some unfortunate student to tutor you." She nodded that Lily was to go then stopped her.

"I don't expect the best Lily. I just want_ your_ best. At the moment I'm getting your worst and I don't like it. Sort out you attitude before my next class please."

Xxx

Reluctant to spend time every week alone with a classmate, Lily unwillingly forfeited time to finish her essays. She was half-way through one such task when she found herself trapped. Not noticing her form curled up in an armchair, the Marauders flopped down in the circle of chairs beside her own. They were pratting around as usual but in this instance seemed rather subdued.

Remus looked pale and tired – even sickly. He seemed to be unwell often, Lily mused. But then, Potter didn't really look much better. In fact he looked positively exhausted if the circles below despondent eyes were anything to go by. She turned back to her essay and tried to ignore them. This, however, was made increasingly difficult by Black's half-hearted attempts to animate his friends and by Potter who kept shifting restlessly, sighing, and pacing across the small space. Finally, as Lily's irritation was reaching new heights Black gave up his charade and glared at his friend.

"For goodness sake Prongs, if you're going to brood, at least do it in one place! This is driving me nuts!" He glanced from Pettigrew, who was scribbling furiously to Lupin, who regarded him with tired eyes, then turned back to Potter who had collapsed into a chair. Lupin drew a breath.

"Go to bed, James. You're just wearing yourself out." Lily couldn't see Potter's expression only the back of his head and couldn't for the life of her figure it out.

"You should do the same, Moony, but I don't se you leaving." Lupin rolled his eyes.

"I'm clinically ill. You, you're just agonising over something you can't change."

"I should be able to," Potter muttered moodily. Black regarded him with sympathetic eyes.

"No, you want to. We don't always get what we want." Lily hadn't thought Black capable of saying something so sensible. "This time you have to leave others to try and give it to you," he continued. Potter didn't seem particularly enamoured by this idea.

"You're not a healer, Prongs. Trust that they know what they're doing." Lupin reached across and patted his friend's hand. "She'll get better, James. And she wouldn't like to see you like this."

"She loves you so she'd want you to be happy," Pettigrew piped up. Lily had forgotten he was there. Potter stood up.

"I'm going flying. I'll see you in a bit." He left. The other three sat in silence for a moment until Black burst out, "We've got to do something about him!" Lupin sighed.

"Curing his mum would do for starters." Black glared at him.

"Something actually possible. She's almost a mother to me too you know but I face facts! You can't just pretend someone isn't on the verge of dying!"

"Maybe it's James's denial that keeps her alive," Lupin suggested sadly.

"Even if she can be cured it's not something _we _can do so we need to think of something else," Pettigrew said quietly. "He doesn't even talk _about_ Charlotte let alone _to _her. I don't think they've said a word to one another all week." Lupin nodded.

"I admit, it was a nice relief as first but…"

"They're going to break up," Black said bluntly. "Either she's going to get pissed with him for saying nothing or he'll get pissed at her for asking. Anyway, I think Amos likes her. You know, the sixth year Hufflepuff?" Trust him to start talking gossip, Lily thought, irritated. From what she had overheard he was the _subject _of a lot of it. Lupin was talking again.

"Let's go wait for him in the dorm; it's too crowded down here." They left, pushing through the accumulating groups of students. Lily sat back. So Potter was finally learning something of the real world. How awful for him. She was unable to conjure any sympathy really; it might be painful to learn, but sometimes it was kind to be cruel.

Still, it irritated her. They had distracted her from finalising her essay and now Potter was out flying when _she _wanted to. Following the Marauders' lead, she tramped up to the dormitory, resolving to come up with something else to entertain herself on the winter evenings – something other than moping, procrastinating work and devising Quidditch plays which never got used.

Xxx

This dilemma was solved rather quickly, around the time when the whole school was abuzz with gossip – the Marauders, best friends since time began, had had a fight.

And this wasn't any fight. Sirius and James refused point blank to speak to each other, and seemed to have trouble even looking Remus in the eye. For that matter, Remus seemed to have become far more reclusive and solemn than before, seemingly filled with shame. Only Peter seemed to converse with all of his friends, mainly running between them all, trying desperately to reconcile Potter and Black, to cheer Lupin up and to keep his customary near failing grades up, all at once. Needless to say, he wasn't having much success and was becoming incredibly frustrated – so that he spent almost more time getting angry with them than reconciling them.

It was not only Peter who was becoming irritated by the friends quarrel. The only time, besides classes, when both James and Sirius had to spend time together was during Quidditch practise. Despite playing positions between which was required very little teamwork, their argument managed to disrupt play almost every practise – Laura was pretty sure the snitch hadn't been hanging just above Sirius's broom or that the bludgers sent whistling James' way was a miss-hit.

So there was considerable tension in the air when they trooped into the Gryffindor Quidditch rooms, to discuss tactics inside, rather than out in the rain. James slumped moodily against the lockers while his usually boisterous friend slouched silently on the bench. Usually Charles Bisley would be with them, patiently discussing tactics with them.

However, he instead asked Laura into the Captain's room and the two disappeared for a while. Normally, the team would have made a few suggestive jokes but with the usual ringleaders sitting in sullen silence conversation petered out pretty quickly and they sat in uneasy silence.

In the poky Captain's room, Laura and Chase weren't doing any of the actions which might have been insinuated. She gave him a questioning look, to which he replied by silently passing her a piece of parchment. She frowned.

"They're Quidditch plays." He nodded. "So? What about them?" she asked with a shrug.

"I didn't write them," he replied and she rolled her eyes.

"I know that; it's not your handwriting. Whose is it?"

"That's the point – I don't know. It was just on the desk when I came in this morning. I don't know what to do with it." Laura shrugged.

"Use it I guess – if it's any good. You don't think someone just lost it?"

"How could they – I lock this room. Anyway look at the bottom." In the corner of the paper it said in neat script; 'copy this then leave the parchment where you found it'. "Why would it say that if someone just lost it?"

"Maybe you should do as it says. See what happens." Laura grinned. "It's not like it will blow up or anything. You could see what the others think."

"I guess – I would usually ask James given he's likely to get Captain next year but with him and Sirius the way they are now I don't want to start anything. With that in mind, if one of them says something the other is just going to disagree. We'll never reach any decision if I ask the whole team." Laura sat on the desk.

"Here." She pulled out her wand, took the parchment and copied it into a notebook lying on the desk. "Did you find it here?"

"Yeah, in the middle of the desk." She put it onto the desk and smiled up at him.

"See what happens. Does it really matter where you got it from if it works? Use this one if you want – if nothing happens then what have we lost?"

"Thanks." He bent down to kiss her softly then grinned. "Ready to face the troublesome team?"

"I'm part of that team thank-you," she laughed. "Don't you mean the troublesome two?"

Next day, when Chase went down to the Captain's room, the parchment was still covered in the same play it had shown the day before. Shrugging he left it and forgot about it until a week later when it was suddenly covered in the same flowing script and no longer had any diagrams.

They were suggestions for each player to practise. Many, Chase knew already but those he had missed he noticed during that practise. Whoever this mysterious sender was, they definitely watched the team practise – yet he never noticed anyone. He only knew that this person was very good at Quidditch tactics and hated the Slytherin team – every now and then a play was suggested as being used against the Slytherins and was usually closer to the wrong side of the rules than the right.

Lily watched the next Quidditch match between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff with the pride of someone who had been behind many of the moves performed by the winning team. Again she was captivated by the way Potter played. At one point in the match a bludger came speeding towards him which he didn't notice, too busy scanning below him for the snitch. Lily made a mental note to mention this in her next set of suggestions.

Had Black not thrown his bat in its path, abandoning the bludger aimed at the chasers, he might have been knocked out of the air. The two boys exchanged glances, and afterwards they disappeared for sometime before showing up at the celebration party with a stock of food and cajoled their other friends to join the revelry.

It both pleased and dismayed Lily. On the one hand Quidditch would be better with them talking to each other. On the other hand, they would no longer be so preoccupied with their own problems that they couldn't be bothered to investigate her secrets.

xxx

I hope you enjoyed it!

I would love any suggestions, and opinions on the Cannon stuff i mentioned at the top...

Also there is this thing called 'Review Replies' that i just discoved... so if you are logged in or leave an email it will be easy to reply to your review which is cool!


	4. Chapter Four

So im back again! Waaay later than i said - im crap at deadlines and im soooo sorry about promising things i dont do...

But here it is anyway :) Many thanks for all reviewers - otherwise this wouldn't be up at all.

Chapter Four 

Defence against the Dark Arts really wasn't Lily's favourite lesson. It could be interesting at times, and she supposed it would be useful what with Voldemort rising in power, but learning about funny creatures which lived in Marshes wasn't her idea of riveting. If she ever got the urge to trudge through a marsh at the dead of night then she might look up the dangers in a book but as it was… She was also pretty sure that she had learnt a less complicated version of the information in her third year – and judging by her classmates' knowledge so had they. She could really do without it.

Nevertheless, she would have infinitely preferred marsh creatures than the subject of that day's lesson. The Professor grinned at them all. He was far too enthusiastic about the subject than he should be, Lily felt.

"In preparation for your OWLs we are going over things covered in earlier years. This practical is very important for everyday life and is likely to come up in your exam so if you would all take your wands and follow me please." The class trooped after him into a large room containing a few wardrobes.

Almost immediately Lily knew what the exercise must be, and felt dread welling up. She had failed her DADA exam the year before at Beauxbatons mainly because of this creature. That and a severe lack of revision. She also had no wish to let half of the Gryffindor and Slytherin fifth year know what her deepest fear was. The Professor stepped forward.

"You all know what to do. Approach this wardrobe one at a time – if one of you is particularly strong we can move on to the next." The wardrobe opened, and Lily stepped towards the back of the crowd. The creature switched from shape to shape, banished again and again into the wardrobe by student yelling 'Ridikulus!' By the time Lily had been pushed to close to the front of the queue they had moved on to the second wardrobe.

Potter was in front of her; he stepped forward as the door opened and there was suddenly a pretty woman, lying on the floor, pale and stone dead. She changed to become a dead man, Lupin, Black, Pettigrew, the woman again. Potter gritted his teeth and yelled Ridikulus furiously. The boggart retreated, and he slammed to wardrobe door closed.

"Good, good – a noble fear, lovely spell…" the Professor said. Then Lily was in front of the wardrobe, wand gripped in sweaty hand as the door swung open.

A tall cloaked figure glided out a glistening grey hand extended towards her. "Ridikulus," she whispered without conviction, the cold sweeping over her making her shake. The sound of a woman crying filled her ears; she shook her head and opened her mouth to utter the word again, closing her eyes against the horrible visage of the creature.

It was the wrong thing to do. Images swamped her, flickering across her closed lids, which, try as she might, she could not open. Someone was shouting; the woman was still sobbing; she felt sad, helpless, lonely, betrayed and dismal all at the same time. Pulling together all her will she managed a weak "Ri ––" before darkness closed over her and she saw nothing more.

She woke to find someone patting water on her face and lifted her arm to push them away, feeling weak and shaky. The concerned face of the Professor swam into view and she passed a hand over her eyes to clear them as she sat up. He pressed some chocolate into her hand and she held it for a moment, knowing it would help but unwilling to let him aid her.

Finally deciding that it was better to accept his help than continue shivering she broke off a piece and chewed it as she stood up.

"Are you alright Miss Evans?" he asked her.

"I'm fine thank-you," she lied with ease. The chocolate was warming but she still felt as though her insides were frozen and shivering. Everyone was staring at her, reminding her of the Care of Magical Creatures lesson in her third year in which they had been shown a Dementor. She hadn't fainted then, but had walked away quickly and had to be called back.

"It is admirable to be most afraid of fear. Unfortunately, fainting doesn't win you any marks – who can think of a way to make a Dementor funny?" Lily was barely listening, but felt a stab of anger when he turned her problems to the class to solve.

"Make it technicoloured and put a fire under it!" someone yelled out laughing. It was Black; Lily refused to glare and show how humiliating this was. She glanced surreptitiously at the door.

"An excellent suggestion. Lily, if you would step forward, I would like you to imagine that as you say the spell." He stepped towards the wardrobe and opened the lock. Lily didn't move. The creature drifted out once more and she turned suddenly, pulled open the door and took off at a sprint down the deserted hallway.

A few corridors later, she stopped and collapsed against the wall breathing quickly. Slowly, she slid down it until she was sitting with her knees drawn up to her body. Her hands were shaking and she had dropped her wand. Furiously she berated herself, and bit off another piece of chocolate, feeling warmth seep through her.

She stood up. Perhaps if she 'borrowed' a first year's wand she could summon her own later – at that moment she didn't want to see anyone. She slowly made her way across the castle, down towards the kitchens.

Xxx

As the door slammed in the redhead's wake, the students began to whisper excitedly. The Professor banished the boggart with ease then turned back to his class.

"Silence!" He surveyed the pupils who had already had their turn. Only three pupils from her house had banished the boggart sufficiently well for him to be willing to let them go. "Potter, Black, Lupin. Please go and see if Miss Evans is ok and return her wand. The rest of you let us continue with the lesson."

The three boys stopped outside.

"Why do we have to go find her," Sirius grumbled. "Nobody cares if she's ok anyway."

"Would you rather be in there?" Remus pointed out.

"Besides this could be quite interesting. I mean, Lily Evans worst fear is fear? Could be useful…" James added. He was curious too. He couldn't imagine her crying, but to run out of a lesson without even a snappy retort didn't seem quite the Evans they knew. What would she be doing? "Let's get out the map."

They huddled over the piece of parchment and watched an emerald green dot walk down some stairs. "Look, if we go down here we'll intercept her," Remus pointed.

"But I want to know where she's going," James complained. Sirius agreed so the three took a route that followed parallel to her. Finally they came to a portrait of fruit.

"What's she doing down here?"

"Doesn't matter what she's doing down here," Sirius snapped. "Point is we'll never find out unless we get through this portrait because there's nowhere else to go and she's about to come down this corridor!"

Once inside, they poured over the map frowning as the emerald dot moved closer and closer to the portrait.

"She's coming in here!"

"She can't know about it! It's just coincidence!"

"Who cares? Get behind here!"

They crouched behind a pillar, furiously telling the house-elves to pretend they weren't there as the portrait opened and Lily stepped in. She pushed some hair out of her eyes then looked down at the house-elf who was furiously tugging her robes asking what she wanted.

"Some coffee please Saffy." She wandered over to where the table was but found that it had moved. She frowned slightly.

"Miss can sits here while Saffy is getting her tea, because we is cleaning the table," Saffy squeaked, pointing to a decidedly house-elf sized table with tiny chairs. She picked one up gingerly before removing her shoes and sitting cross legged on the table, her robes pooled around her. It was about the height of a normal chair but she felt incredibly tall in comparison to everything.

Saffy slid the coffee cup onto the table and she smiled, breathing in the scent. "Thanks." Taking a sip she relaxed slightly, the sudden rush of caffeine warming her more than any chocolate could. She cupped her hands around the small espresso cup, letting the smell fill her nose rather than finishing it in two more gulps. Her bag was still in the DADA classroom, she remembered with irritation.

"Hey Saffy? Peux-tu me donner mon sac s'il te plait? C'est dans la salle de DADA." The house-elf nodded and spoke to another elf. The Marauders looked at each other confused. "She said something about a bag and the DADA room," James muttered. "My parents keep trying to teach me French but it's bloody impossible." They watched the red-head curiously.

Down here, she seemed almost a different person. She wasn't snapping at the house-elves and it looked like she was just enjoying the coffee held in her hands. And she was sitting on a table. It had been weird, earlier, to see the usually haughty and collected girl gripping her wand, whispering a spell in terror, and fainting. It put a slightly different perspective on things. James briefly wondered if they had made a mistake with her but remembered her harsh comments and attitude and decided against it.

A house-elf placed Lily's bag on the floor beside her and she thanked him quietly. The Marauders were beginning to get cramp when she finally finished half of her bread roll, gulped the last of her coffee, thanked the house-elves and left the portrait hole.

"Thank god, I'm starving!" Sirius moaned. "Any longer, we might have missed dinner."

"But it was interesting," Remus objected. "Think of what we learned. She obviously misses France – she spoke French to the house-elf and drank French coffee. Useful to know."

"I guess." He consented, grudgingly.

"Shame Peter missed this," James mused.

"He needs to be in lessons though," Remus replied. "DADA isn't really his best subject."

"We'll meet him in the great hall – I promised Liz she could sit with us," Sirius said, leading the way out of the kitchen.

"Liz who?" Remus murmured. James shrugged and fingered the object in his pocket.

"What are we going to do with her wand?"

"Leave it in the common room, dummy, she's bound to find it there."

Xxx

Lily did indeed find her wand in the common room, and fingered it carefully to check for any charms left on it. Something squirted up at her and her nose began to blow up, her robes began to dissolve and her hair caught fire. Ignoring the laughter, she sprinted upstairs to the girls' dorm and stood under the shower. Then she doused the wand in magical disinfectant to rid it of the curses and charmed her nose back to normal. There _were _advantages to listening in Charms.

With that thought in mind, she began that week's assignment, scratching the letters onto the smooth parchment. She needed a new quill but hadn't bothered to buy one, a decision she was regretting now. She had plenty of money – her father had made sure of that, probably out of guilt of some kind or other. But she didn't like spending it; she didn't like the idea that she might need his help.

Surprising herself, she actually finished the essay before curling up in the alcove of the window sill with a model of the Quidditch pitch. Now that she had begun to send plays to the team, she found it a rather interesting hobby to make them and then watch to see what Bisley would use – and with only one team the competition made it all the more appealing. She had great respect for him as a Captain and, after getting over indignation, she had even consented that some of the changes he made to her plays were for the better.

This evening, her heart wasn't in it. She found herself staring repeatedly out of the window, then shaking herself and finding that she couldn't remember her previous train of thought and the set up on the mini pitch meant nothing to her. Irritated, she put it away and dragged the heavy book out from under the bed. She hadn't studied it since before Christmas when she had eventually given up on reading it. The marker was still there in the middle and she opened it to the page, resolving to finish reading.

It was difficult going, and the wording often confused her. Although it was a French book, this particular chapter was in English – a kind of English she had never really encountered when reading Quidditch magazines. Frustrated and too agitated too put her mind fully into the task she gave up. Everyone else had gone to bed and she followed suit, changing and brushing her teeth.

She had left a model figure on the window and she crossed the room to retrieve it. Glancing out of the window she caught sight of a huge figure standing alone at the edge of the lake. His dog frolicked around him, but he just stood there, gazing across and occasionally bending his head to say something to his canine companion. He looked incredibly lonely, and she thought back to what she had seen of him at Christmas.

It was perhaps that which caused her to dream a scene so unexpected.

_The woman stands at the sink, staring out of the window at the Parisian roofs, a mug hanging from her limp hands. The washing up is piled up on the draining board, most of it dirty rather than clean. Some of it has been sitting there for days. _

_The girl is standing in the doorway, utterly silent, watching. The sun is on its way down, sending a pinky light across the small kitchen. It is kinder than daylight, which would highlight every mark and spot of dirt. _

_The woman turns around, and the girl can see her strained features. "Où est Pierre? Tu l'as vu?" She hadn't seen Pierre and hadn't for a few days. It was pathetic how dependant the woman is on his presence. Or the presence of others really, but at the moment it is him. She says nothing._

"_Je suis tellement solitaire." The girl knows this and finds it ridiculous – there have always been people coming and going at the flat. A group have only just left in fact – how can she be lonely with all these so-called friends visiting?_

"_Je voudrais une bébé – ensuite je ne serais plus solitaire." She already has a child but it is with that child she feels loneliest. The girl stands by the door for a while longer but the woman says no more. Walking into the kitchen she takes a bottle of juice from the fridge, pours a glass and retreats, leaving the woman standing there unanswered, cloaked in loneliness._

Lily didn't wake with a start, as she would have expected. Instead, she opened her eyes slowly, staring groggily at the bed-hangings and feeling disoriented. Slowing, she sat up, rubbing a hand across her eyes. Her surroundings were pitch black; raising a hand in front of her face she could see nothing. Sighing, she turned over to go back to sleep and found that her hands were shaking as she pulled the covers up. She always wished they wouldn't betray her like that.

She pushed her feet down the bed and was surprised to find that the covers were twisted. She groaned, irritated, and curled up instead, closing her eyes determinedly. She wasn't afraid of sleep. But she was lying to herself, and she knew it. Angrily she thought back to earlier in the day, and cursed the DADA Professor. He had been wrong too. The Dementor didn't show her greatest fear as being fear itself.

It was the memories that she was afraid of.

Xxx

The South Tower door was locked when Lily reached it. Deeming it quicker to just go out one of the ground floor exits, she retraced her steps, noting what she passed on the way. She had no intention of getting lost and being caught.

Once up in the air, she wished she had brought a Quaffle. She needed to do something more than just fly to keep her mind off things – and slamming a ball through the hoops would have been perfect. Any Quidditch ball would have done really; she was passable at positions other than chaser. If she were any good at transfiguration she would be able to transfigure a leaf or something into a semblance of one, but she wasn't. A lot seemed to come down to that these days.

Instead of mourning the absence of balls she went on a long flight around the grounds, over the forbidden forest and across the lake, flying so low that her feet kicked up spray and her robes brushed the topmost branches. The moon, nearly full, lit her way with a soft gleam. Shifting her hands she pushed the broom faster, leaning forward as the wind whipped through her loosened hair. It was still cold but she didn't feel it.

Finally exhausted, she landed near the side entrance she had left through, pulling her cloak around herself to hide any colour that might give her away. Her feet padded across the stone floors, and she was so lost in thought that she didn't notice the movement of a tapestry nor the quiet hush of whispered voices. A hand snapped out, and she gave a sudden gasp on surprise as she was pulled behind a hanging.

Peeling the hand off her mouth, she reached for her wand with the other hand, but found it grasped in a much larger one. Finding it impossible to free herself, she stamped her foot on the floor, praying it would find its target. There was a slight exclamation of pain and the hand left her mouth and light showered her face. She blinked against the harsh light, and squinted against the brightness.

"Bitch," the boy whispered, and she assumed he was the one who owned the foot she had just stood on. Her eyes adjusted to the brightness and she stared at them, narrowing her eyes in anger.

"Let go of me." Her voice was icy cold and commanding but they didn't move an inch. She tried to move her hand but Potter's grip was too tight. "Are you deaf as well as stupid?" she spat. "Let go of me." She didn't swear. They hadn't startled her enough or made her so angry that she would lose control of her verbal skills.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Potter asked in a furious whisper. She said nothing just stared back into his face insolently. Black slammed a heel into her foot and she flinched, trying not to grimace in pain.

"We asked you a question," he snapped. She supposed that stamping on his foot hadn't been a very well informed decision – but what decision is, when one is trapped inside a small dark space with one's dire enemies.

"I could ask you the same but I doubt that you would answer," she snapped back. His face was very close and she drew herself up slightly, so as not to be looked down upon. Even standing on her tiptoes this would have been completely futile given that he stood over a foot taller than her but she gathered a cloak of superiority around her. "And I told you to let me go."

"We'll let you go if you tell us what you were doing." She felt like laughing because it was so simple.

"Let me go and I'll tell you." He slowly dropped her hand as Black moved around her to block the exit. She vaguely wondered where the other two were. The light of his wand shone on the stone wall and she was suddenly becoming aware of just how small the space was.

"So?" Potter demanded. She graced him with a cold smirk.

"I was walking," she answered derisively. "I wouldn't have thought even you could be so stupid as to not realise that. Maybe your mothers were so horrified they dropped you on the head at birth." She aimed yet again for the sore spot cruelly and got results. Potter looked like he wanted to hit her and Black grabbed her robes angrily.

"What?" she goaded. "Isn't it obvious that no-one could love you, even as a baby?" Unwittingly she was repeating something someone else had said, something locked so deep in her mind that she no longer really remembered it. Then, to make the comment obvious and unimportantly true, she added, "I answered you; aren't you going to let go of me now?"

The walls were beginning to press in – she hated small spaces. The bodies of the boys beside her made it even smaller and she wanted to flinch away. Suddenly, Black spoke up from behind her and the boys shared secret smiles.

"Here, we'll let go of you!" And she was thrust out from behind the tapestry, right into the path of the caretaker, Eremias Jonas. To make it even worse, Professor McGonagall rounded the corner a moment later.

"Miss Evans! What are you doing out of bed?" she demanded. Lily didn't answer for a moment, instead accidentally moving the edge of the tapestry so that Black's robes showed, poking out from the entrance.

"What's this?" Jonas cried gleefully. "_More _students out of bed?" At the same time Lily continued as if the tapestry moving had nothing to do with her;

"I was walking, Professor." McGonagall might not have been at the school for a great many years but she wasn't stupid and she vaguely understood the animosity between the two parties stood before her.

"_With _these two boys?" Looking disgusted and fixing the Professor with a disbelieving stare, Lily replied coldly,

"You must have fewer brain cells than I thought." Not perhaps advisable but highly satisfying.

"That's enough of your cheek, Miss Evans. What do you two have to say for yourselves?" Lily didn't listen to their answer, instead simply waiting for the punishment to be dolled out. Cutting off the boy's false apologies the Professor continued,

"I have had enough of you three! Miss Evans, your grades are still not up to standard and your attitude needs a severe turn-around. Mr Potter, if you think you can continue to sail through life causing havoc as you do now, think again. And Mr Black, you are already in enough trouble for that explosion last week so I don't know what you're smirking about. That will be thirty points deducted, _each. _You have a month of detentions and Mr Black, you will have two months – on top of those you have already earned yourself. Miss Evans I have warned you about this; you will receive transfiguration tutoring from Mr Potter here until your abilities are OWL level. I have no doubt that will be bad enough without my adding any more conventional punishments. Mr Jonas, if you would be kind enough to escort these three to their dorm?"

Lily left the other two glaring at her in the common room and climbed the stairs to the dorm, cursing herself for being caught by the pranksters. She needed to be more careful. Upon drifting into dreams, the phrase she had uttered haunted her, fragments of past swirling and always out of reach of her crushing fingers. Isn't it obvious… obvious…. love….no-one…baby…obvious….

xxx

The others of her dorm were spread in little clumps across the room when Lily left for her first detention. She walked swiftly down the corridors to Jonas' office her shoes clicking against the stone. So far she hadn't had any detentions with the caretaker – and she didn't know what to expect. There was a strong possibility that Black or Potter would be there – and that was enough said.

She reached his office just a Black appeared from the opposite direction and found Jonas standing and tapping his foot. The caretaker gave a smirk.

"Come along then." Responding to Black's glare with haughty indifference she followed the man down the corridors into a room in the dungeons. The room was dark and Jonas smiled slyly.

"In you go." Black seemed unperturbed and Lily walked in confidently, unwilling to be outdone by him. They stood in the dark for a few seconds and then the magical torches sprang into life. It was like all the dungeons, damp and dirty, but for one difference.

The things on the walls.

Jonas let them take in the spectacle of old shackles, a folding stretch bed, thumb twist and a huge number of other things that Lily couldn't name. Black still seemed unmoved – in fact he looked rather smug. She kept her face expressionless.

"Follow me." Jonas voice was beginning to sound like the voice of Satan – and she didn't fancy following him into hell. Still, Black seemed pretty confident so she mustered her disdain and followed him.

They emerged out of the dungeons near the owlery, and slowly made their way up the stairs. She was now thoroughly confused. What on earth? Jonas held a hand out.

"Your wands." She stared back at him. On the one hand, there was no way she was relinquishing her weapon. On the other, objecting would most likely mean backing down – and Lily Evans didn't like backing down. It was bad for the image.

She handed it over. It was exchanged for a bucket of soapy water and a mop. Jonas gave an evil grin.

"You're cleaning the owlery. By the end of your detentions it is to be spotless. And you'll do this twice a week." He turned and left, locking the door. Lily forced herself not to groan. She was locked in an owlery for an hour, with Sirius Black. What could be worse?

She found out a few minutes later, when the door opened and his friends entered. She cursed her stupidity at getting the detentions in the first place and continued to scrape the droppings from the staircase walls. There was no way that this could be done without magic. It needed some serious acid to get rid of the stuff. She could hear the group muttering behind her.

"Oh look, if it isn't little Lily Evans," James crowed. "What on earth could she be doing, cleaning an owlery? Is it because she got us into trouble, Padfoot?"

"Surely not, Prongs!" his friend replied. "Ah dear, well I think we'll have to leave you." They turned towards the door and Lily snapped round, flashing with anger.

"Where the hell do you think you're going, Black?"

"What's the matter, Evans? Worried you won't get your alone time with me?" He smirked. "Sorry, I'll have to save that for another day. Have fun!" She began to walk down the stairs quickly, in order to block his exit but they were too fast and much closer. Their laughter echoed back at her as they walked away.

She fumed, kicking Black's bucket over with a sudden burst of violence. The water spread out across the dirty floor, seeping into the encrusted cracks between the stones. Now that he was gone, there was no way she was going to keep cleaning. She tried the door half-heartedly, knowing already that it would be locked. And she didn't have her wand. Vindictively, she took Black's bucket and refilled it with clean water from the pump in the corner. She didn't need to tattle to get him in trouble.

She climbed the steps again to the top, settling herself in one of the cleaner windows. An owl perched above her hooted quietly. It was utterly silent. Her swinging feet hit the outer wall with rhythmic thuds as she contemplated more lasting revenge. Potter was easy. If she ever actually went to be tutored by him, she would make sure it was the worst hour of his life.

Black was more difficult. Though she watched them, as one wary of their enemies, she knew little about him. Getting into trouble with teachers wouldn't be too much a of a problem; he already had at least three months worth of detentions, but that didn't have any kind of originality – in fact it was likely that he wouldn't care very much. She needed something different, something more effective. Something like humiliation.

She smiled almost evilly. She had just the thing, and he wouldn't even know. Perhaps some mention of Potter too – after all, tutoring was as much a punishment to her as to him – yes, he would definitely have to be part of Black's humiliation. Feeling slightly more peaceful now that revenge was part way planned, she stared out across the grounds.

The owl flew easily towards her, landing peacefully on the stone windowsill next to her. She smiled slightly, running her fingers through the white feathers, smoothing her hands absently across the shape of the wings and wondering what it would be like to be able to fly like that.

She really should get a bit further with that book. Unfortunately, everything seemed to involve transfiguration in some form or other – all forms that Lily couldn't master. She could barely manage turning a matchstick into a needle. She supposed it would be a reason to cooperate with the tutoring – but at that moment, even being able to fly like a bird didn't seem worth spending an hour with Potter every week.

Nothing really seemed worth that. She sighed quietly as she heard them returning – she had been sitting longer than she had realised. Quickly drawing her legs in, she glared down at them disdainfully as they entered. Potter smirked up at her.

"Had fun, Evans?" She stood up and stretched obviously.

"It was quite relaxing thank-you." Her voice was sugary sweet with a slight undertone of glee because even at this moment she could picture her revenge and it looked sweet. "Hmm," Potter mocked, "Wouldn't have thought someone a guilty as you would be able to relax. Unless they were heartless." The heartless comment didn't hurt her – maybe that was what she aimed for anyway. And though it stung slightly, Potter had no idea what things she might unwillingly feel guilty of; so it meant nothing.

"Whoooo!" Black lifted his robes up making them flap around him like a black ghost. "I'm a Dementor come to get you!" They sniggered but she didn't flinch, fixing them instead with a contemptuous stare and turning away as they cleansed the area around Black's bucket and mop magically. It didn't look shiny clean however, and she could tell that they had done this before because it looked realistic. Then they left.

When Filch returned at the end of the hour and told them to stop working, he could see Lily Evans standing at the edge of a slightly cleaner area and Sirius Black standing in the middle of it. He took the one bucket filled with sloppy muck and told its owner to leave – the other student was suspected of doing nothing and trying to take credit for another student's toil; he remained until his bucket water was sufficiently disgusting to merit an end.

Xxx

So that's it. Originally there should be another scene but i decided that it would be better in the next chapter. And otherwise it would have taken me another few weeks...Incedentally the next chapter will probably be out in about a month or so...because i just got the end of my 'detailed plan' and im going skiing next week...

Thanks v much for reading.** one query:** does anyone feel Lily is getting out of character? Because in truth i think she is kind of the cold bitch she makes everyone see...in a way. I guess it makes sense to me cos i know da plot...(heheh) If at any time in da story anyone thinks she's getting into one of those people who 'turns a new leaf' or 'finds her true self' or whatever - please tell me. Or if you think something doesn't tie in with earlier chapters or something. I'll either correct it or explain the reason...

I guess i'll go now and start the next chapter (or keep writing one of my other stories or something. I have so many on the go...) Anything is preferable to retyping the pages of Maths coursework i just lost in a powercut... ahhhh! And that was just the plan and it's due in on thurs...I think i need a sick day...

:) hope u enjoyed this chapter, will hopefully have the next one up soon... Please review and tell me what you think!

Randomisation xxx


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